


Chained Down

by hit_the_books



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Betaed, Coda, Episode: s12e02 Mamma Mia, Gen, Guilt, Hurt Sam Winchester, Prompt Fic, Psychological Torture, Sam Whump, Sam-Centric, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Torture, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:59:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9793229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hit_the_books/pseuds/hit_the_books
Summary: Down in that basement, Sam decided he didn't want to still be breathing when he finally left it.Not if it meant a life without his brother.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [acrosstheocean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrosstheocean/gifts).



> This fic is a prize for acrosstheocean, who came third place in a fanfic review game run by [/r/fandomnatural](https://www.reddit.com/r/fandomnatural/comments/5kauy8/merry_christmas_happy_holidays_join_us_for_our/), and won the opportunity to prompt me for a fic. I hope you enjoy the fic, acrosstheocean C:
> 
> Thanks to [Fic_me_senseless](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fic_me_senseless) and yopumpkinhead for being my beta readers on this C:

Fear, weariness and pain kept Sam on the precipice of sleep. Dean had been dead for over a day and Sam had started to ask himself—in the moments where there was no new pain—should he just push Toni? Push and push so that she finished him and let his existence become nothing, like Billie had promised Dean all that time ago. Chained down to that rickety seat with slowly festering burns and bleeding cuts, not existing started to look like a valid choice.

Maybe not the right choice, because Dean had almost always begged for Sam to keep on living, every time they had done shit, but at least it would be Sam’s choice. All he had to do was flinch just the wrong way when Toni brought her blade to him again and he’d bleed out before the bitch could do anything. _I’m sorry, Dean_ , Sam thought to himself, _but what’s the point? You save the world and I still fuck up without you around. I’m sorry Dean. Sorry. I didn’t mean to be such a freak. Didn’t mean to get you killed, or Kevin, or Jess or…_

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Sam’s gaze lifted up at the sound of creaking floorboards overhead—someone was upstairs with Toni. Sam could hear two sets of feet. Toni had been gone longer than he had expected, but Sam was having trouble keeping track of how much time had passed.

The locks on the basement door were unlocked and the door pulled open. Looking up, Sam saw Toni and felt rage curl low in his stomach. “Screw yourself,” he seethed and then felt his heart miss a beat as Toni dragged Dean into view.

“Dean?” Sam asked, almost whispering, uncertain just what he was seeing.

“I'm as happy to see him as you are, 'cause while you may be able to withstand my snapping apart your body joint by joint, can you watch it happen to Dean?” Toni sneered and then angrily brought Dean down the stairs.

Even though the threat of violence was clear, Sam wasn’t really hearing Toni any more as he gazed up at Dean who been brought in front of him. If his eyes or the wave of Dean’s aftershave—all sandalwood and warm spices—were to be believed: Dean stood in front of Sam and was not dead.

He wanted to cry. To shout. Wrap his arms around Dean and tell him that he couldn’t do that to him again. Couldn’t say he was off to save the world and leave him to be alone for the rest of his life. Questions about Dean’s survival clamored at the back of Sam’s head too, but he couldn’t escape how he himself had failed his brother again.

It was just too damn predictable that without Dean by his side, he’d managed to get himself abducted within a day of Dean supposedly sacrificing himself. Hardly a day had passed, and Sam had finally bought into Toni’s tricks, believing her illusions and enjoying them. He’d felt good when he believed he’d been in bed with Toni. Shame curled in his belly, replacing his earlier rage— _what if she tells Dean how weak I am?_

And as Sam chased his self-loathing around and around in his head, he half-hoped Dean wasn’t real so he couldn't see how far Sam had fallen in such a short time. _No. I can’t… Dammit, please be real, Dean please… I want you to be real. I want you to be alive._

Toni’s brass knuckles collided with Dean’s jaw and she continued to torture and question. Torture and question. When she went to take a break, Dean talked to Sam and he answered his brother’s questions, but he still didn’t know if anything was real. Unsure of Dean’s existence, Sam answered Dean as best he could, split over whether he wanted Dean to be alive or not.

He hadn’t given Toni what she wanted, but that didn’t make Sam feel any less broken. Or like he hadn’t failed Dean in some way. So when the cavalry finally arrived and Sam was eventually freed and everything was hurting, he didn’t reach out for Dean—didn’t want his brother to know how far he’d fallen.

That didn’t stop Dean from pulling Sam roughly into a hug, arms wound so tightly around Sam he thought his ribs might crack. Warmth bled through from Dean into Sam and he finally knew that Dean was alive and that he wouldn’t care.

“Dean,” Sam murmured into Dean’s shoulder, tears wanting to fall.

“Sam,” Dean whispered against Sam’s hair.

No matter how far Sam had fallen, they were alive and had each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments appreciated.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at [dreamsfromthebunker](http://dreamsfromthebunker.tumblr.com/).


End file.
